Bill Nye the Science Guy Behind the Scenes!
by NewbiaTheElf
Summary: A look at everyone's favorite scientist whose initials are BN, as he tries to save the world. This story is being updated, with all the chapters being re-written. So far updated: Chapter 11
1. It's a Revolution!

Authors Notes: I wrote Bill Nye a LONG time ago. I think I was around 10 or 11. Understandably, my writing was crap. Therefore, I am re-doing on the chapters to include grammar and spelling. If some of my chapters are crap, be patient and I will re do them. Also, if you feel like commenting anything bad about Bill Nye and not the story itself, fuck off.  
  
Bill Nye The Science Guy  
  
A Fan Fiction  
  
Bill Nye sat back in his chair with his feet up on the table, drinking beer. Life was good (or would be until he ran out of beer). He had his own TV show, yet still managed to not be branded as one of the rotters of American children's minds. (Like those were bad.) He was respected by adults, although kids thought he was nerd. Then again,who CARED about what kids thought? He bossed all of them on his show while they did various experiments. To this day, they were little monsters to him for some reason. Oh well.  
  
Bill realized he had to start shooting the digestion episode soon. He walked out of his office and put on his lab coat, but instead of going to the set he went up to a skeleton.  
  
"Are you as bored as I am?" he asked. It wasn't even the theme song, so Bill had a little time to himself. Yuck. Every time he had to roll his head around and go, "Bill, Bill, Bill," in a deep voice he became dizzy.  
  
One kid, a little African-American dude named Robert came up to Bill.  
  
"NYE! How come I didn't get the vacation I wanted? I've been going for one year without a single raise, bonus, or vacation! All of us kids have! If we don't get it, we're going to strike!"  
  
Bill rolled his eyes, this happened every day. Like he was going to have the chance of some snotty little brats meet him on his trip to Hawaii next week. Not to mention that he wasn't the producer! Well, he was, but they didn't have to know that. Albert Kookyham Alcatraz, or AKA, was the producer to them. They always assumed he never showed his face because he had such a dumb name. Not to mention that this was probably the only episode those immature brats didn't want to miss. It was filled with gross bodily functions, and they would no doubt find it quite amusing.  
  
"Well then, you miss digestion and excretory systems," Bill chuckled.   
  
"I don't even know what that is! It's probably really crappy."  
  
The sound of a rim shot magically burst over the speakers.  
  
"Plus those ghost will get you! They like to do that drum thing which means you've made a joke! THEY'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!! OOOOOOH!!!" screamed Bill Nye. Actually, he 79% believed in those ghosts, but he wasn't telling anyone THAT. Robert stared at Bill's frothing mouth, and then rolled his eyes and gave a disgusted sigh.  
  
"Yeah right! You know what Nye? I'm leaving. We all are!"  
  
"JUST TRY! YOU'LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK!" screamed Bill to Roberts retreating form.  
  
There was a rim shot again.  
  
"Stop that!" Jeez, that wasn't even funny. As it turned out, within an hour all the children were picketing outside the laboratory. Well, this was odd. Usually they couldn't find any one who knew about the child labor laws to make pickets for them. Maybe he should apologize...naww. They'll be back soon enough.  
  
To be continued . . . 


	2. Visits

Bill Nye The Science Guy  
  
Part Two  
  
TWO WEEKS LATER  
  
"Hell no,we won't go!" screamed the children.  
  
"Science stinks!"  
  
"Poke Bill Nye In The Eye!"  
  
"Save the whales!" Everyone stopped chanting, and Bill sighed in relief, thinking that they were coming back. There were whisperings and mutterings and the people from the Save The Whales Society were directed to the City Hall, the correct place.  
  
"Strike for Rights!" came the cheers again. Man, those brats could scream loudly. Bill Nye screamed in frustration, then grinned. He had a planned. He ran outside. The noise plummeted to a quiet murmur.  
  
"I give up, you can have your vacation if you stop striking!" fake-sobbed Bill amid cheers from the kids.   
  
One girl, Alicia, the leader, said, "We accept! When do we get our raises?"   
  
Bill grinned evilly. "You just did! You didn't have to come to work for 2 weeks, you immature brats!" He laughed evilly, sticking out his tongue. Everyone groaned, but they had no choice. They filed into the building and started shooting the film. Literally, the camera guy got shot!  
  
"WHY THE BLEEP DID YOU DO THAT?" screamed Bill. "That guy owed me money!" Robert shrugged.   
  
"Didn't you here? They made a fan fiction about us! Humor and General seemed pretty boring, so I shot him. Now it's Humor and Mystery!"  
  
"Robert, it's not a mystery. You just told them you did it." Robert blinked.   
  
"I'm innocent, I swear!" he screamed. The police promptly carted him away.  
  
Bill sat on his chair, sighing, as everyone continued with the show. Life was not good: he didn't have a beer, a date, or a cooperative staff.  
  
"Hi babe," he said slyly to a skeleton beside. A wind blew from the giant fan on the set, making the skeleton's arms rise up and smack him in the face. Maybe he needed a better pick up line. Maybe his dates needed to be human.  
  
"Bill, you're on," came the robotic monotone female voice from the speaker. He remembered asking her also (she had bluntly told him he was a nerd). He groaned and got up and bumped into another woman with a notebook. It was the author of the fan fic-me!  
  
"Hey, I'm the author, NewbiaTheElf!" I said. "We're doing this little Behind-The-Scenes look at Bill Nye for my fan-fic. I think that Robert told you already?" I was a little girl of around 10, with white hair, white eyes, and white pearl earrings hanging from my pointy ears.  
  
Bill sighed and pushed me away. He managed to see my notebook. I had just written, 'He managed to see my notebook.' Weird.   
  
"Look, you must be a newbie here, Newbia. Hehehe, Newbia, newbie, er, sorry, but listen. You can't be here. Now, do it before I call the guards on you."  
  
"Er, I suggest you do what I say. I have complete power, I may as well be god," I said. Bill laughed and pushed me in the shoulders. All I did was start writing something in my notebook.   
  
"Come on you little girly, do someth-" Bill Nye was hit by lightning. I laughed hysterically, until Bill grabbed by notebook.  
  
"Give that back you bastard!" I screamed. Bill started writing. Soon, I, Bill Nye the King (hey, look, I have a crown, it works! I rule the story), was ordering everyone around. Life was very, very good.   
  
Until my little mousy friend, Newbia, stole the notebook back. She started writing and authors notes, meaning the chapter was ending. The room started to go black and a giant A/n appeared.  
  
A/n: This is the second chapter to be updated. More story will come soon. 


	3. Nye, Bill Nye

_A/n: third chapter to be updated. _

Bill unlocked the door to his office, humming. Robert had mysteriously disappeared around a week ago, and the rumblings of rebellion had disappeared. Half his desk was covered in a mini fridge, almost half with a TV, and tiny bit for unimportant papers like contracts, petitions, printed out copies of fan fictions, et cetera.  
  
He took a beer out of the fridge and clicked on the TV. There was a soap drama on.  
  
"Oh my god!" shouted a scantily-clad woman at a menacing man. "I can't believe you think that I love you!"  
  
"But why not?" asked the man. "I hope you're not still upset about the incident with your brother."  
  
"You killed him, you meany!"  
  
"Meany? How dare you-"  
  
Suddenly the phone rang, and Bill turned off the TV.  
  
"Bill Nye speaking," said Bill. (Do I have to say that Bill said it? Did you expect someone else to say that Bill Nye was speaking?)  
  
The guy one the other end breathed heavily, and said nothing. After an hour of this Bill started to suspect something was wrong, and asked the caller if he could stop breathing like that.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," a man with a British accent replied. There was silence, and then the sound of gasping and a thump.  
  
"No! That's not what I meant! Breath, breath!" shouted Bill. The man on the other end wheezed.  
  
"Thank you. I have," wheeze, "a bad case of asthma."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
  
"It's alright, it's just a plot device. I won't have it anymore as soon as the author finds no use for it. Around right in fact." The voice stopped wheezing.  
  
"Who the hell are you? What do you want?"  
  
"Do you want my superhero form or my secret identity?"  
  
"Super hero-no wait, secret-no, actually-"  
  
"I'll give you my non super hero but still enigmatic form. I am Chief, and from the CIA."  
  
"The hell?" Bill wasn't surprised the guy was from the CIA, but he had no idea what enigmatic was. Actually, neither did Chief, but it sounded cool and mysterious.  
  
"Some evil dude is taking over the Earth."  
  
"Well . . . that's just too bad." Evil dudes took over the Earth all the time, and were usually defeated by the end of the season, sometimes the episode. He was more surprised that British people said dude.  
  
"And he'll keep all the beers for himself."  
  
"Beer? Did you say beer?" Bill didn't want to go with out beer for an entire episode.  
  
"Yes, I said beer. You and another agent will try and save the world. You're a scientist, right? So you're smart? Doesn't matter, there wouldn't be much of a plot if you didn't get to save the world."  
  
"Wow. Why me? Aren't there smarter scientists?"  
  
"Look, Nye! In situations like these, we send out the best." Bill beamed. "But the best is busy, so can we send you instead?"  
  
"Let me check my schedule." Bill glanced at the calendar pinned to the wall, only to realize that his handwriting was too messy to see from so far away. He assumed it wasn't anything important. The brats wouldn't care if they missed payday. At least he wouldn't.  
  
"Well, I've got nothing better to do. I'm in."  
  
_A/n: Hehehe. Nye, Bill Nye. The spy science guy._


	4. Getting Ready

**BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY**  
  
_Part 4_  
  
Bill Nye put on a black leather glove in a very sexy and bad ass manner. If this was a movie you would see a close up of the glove being zipped, then the other, equally sexy and bad-ass, glove, his boots, his leather jacket, and then the camera zoomed up to his face, which had a (sexy) pimple on it. His theme music played and he walked towards his door, looking as bad-ass and sexy as a man who just tripped over his untied shoelaces could be.  
"Owwwww," he moaned. Redo? Please? Author of mine who I love so dearly?" I said nothing, as even the omnipotent author is nothing but a plot device for the last chapter and can not appear in the story.  
  
"Damn you!" swore Bill. The sky rumbled ominously.  
  
"Kidding, kidding," Bill apologized hastily. He got back up again and wiped dirt off his face, but the author was too pissed off at him for damning her to make it sexy and bad-ass. Oh well, he was sexy enough as it was anyway.  
  
Bill remembered that Chief had said something about another agent, but decided that he would just go and save the world himself. Unfortunately, he had nothing to save the world with.  
  
"Author of mine who I love so dearly and do not want to damn?"  
  
"Yes?" I answered. Screw continuity, nobody would remember something I said several whole paragraphs ago, and I felt like talking.  
  
"I'm a secret agent now. I need a sexy love interest, a computer genius, and an exploding volcano. Oh, and throw in a clue as well, but I'm prefer a dues ex machina if you have one. Did I mention a sexy love interest?" There was the sound of uproarious laughter.  
  
"You are the genius, idiot. Here, the agent is coming right now."  
  
The monotone voice woman who spoke on the loud speaker walked in, hitting Bill in the head with the door. She was African-Kazakhstanian, which was twice as politically correct as African-American. The woman had her glossy brown hair was up in a bun and spectacles in front of her coal black eyes. She was wearing a business suit, high heels, and a jet pack.  
  
"Oh great," she said (she never 'sighed' or 'replied' or 'yelled', she always 'said', because she always spoke in the monotone voice of the lady on the intercom unless not doing so would be funny),"I get to be with the nerd. Yippee."  
  
"Thank you," Bill said. He assumed she wasn't being sarcastic, and considered 'nerd' a compliment anyway. "Now, where is the sexy woman?" She woman metal slapped Bill, because she had telekinesis. Isn't that, like, SOOOO totally awesome?  
  
"You are blind."  
  
"No, I'm Bill. Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Charlotte."  
  
"Well, I suppose you are sexy enough," said Bill warily, not wanting to be mental slapped. "We'll get you scantily clad in no time. But where is the exploding volcano?"  
  
"That comes in later, when the author feels like it."  
  
"Why do we have to listen to her?"  
  
"Because she feels like making us listen to her."  
  
"Oh." There was silence for a minute.  
  
"SO . . .what do you feel like doing?" asked Bill.  
  
"I don't know. What do you feel like doing?"  
  
"What ever you want to do."  
  
"I would like to save the world. Or go to a museum."  
  
"We can't go to a museum, I'm broke."  
  
"Can you speak normally?"  
  
"When it's humorous. Usually no."  
  
"Cool. Can you speak in Valley Girl speak? Only in monotone? That would be cool." Bill giggled.  
  
"You have no idea how often I'm asked to do that."  
  
"So? Not everyone's as smart as you, Charlotte!" snapped Bill. Charlotte shrugged and picked up the phone.  
  
"Hello, Charlotte Johansson, like, speaking. Hmmm. Oh. Wow. No way. Brittany did what? Oh my god. No way. No way. Oh my god. What-everrrrr. Hahahaha. Yeah, she bought this, like, totally cool skirt. I totally agree. I hate that, like, bitch too. She should be, like, struck down and sent to the depths of hell to, like, burn forever in, like, total torment, the fucking bitch. How dare she, like, go out with your ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends ex-boyfriend only one year after they broke up? I know. She thinks she's, like, so smart, just because she studies ontological empiricism. I'm so glad we, like, planted that bomb in her house." Charlotte chatted on like this for what seemed like hours, and then glanced at Bill and said, "It's for you." Bill snatched the phone out of her hand.  
  
"Hello? Hello?" he called.  
  
"Like, tota-I mean, hello Nye. My name is Chief, and I have a problem with alcohol. I don't drink it, but I like to bath in it more than is healthy."  
  
"Hi Chief! I already know you, though. What do you want?"  
  
"Why haven't you saved the world yet?" yelled Chief.  
  
"I don't have a clue."  
  
"Oh, yeah. There's this evil dude. His name's Doctor Evildudeshinegger, though he prefers to be called the more menacing and shorter E-Dawg. He wants to take over the world. Find E-Dawn and destroy the device. I'll help you when the author feels like it. The end. This message should self-destruct within 2-4 business days, or your next pizza and/or mission is free."  
  
"WAIT! Where do we find it, what does it look like-" Chief hung up. Bill felt like crying. "WE HAVE NO CLUES! WE'RE LOST! THE WORLD WILL BE TAKEN OVER AND IT'S ALL OUR FAULT BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIND THE PLACE OR KNOW WHAT THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE WAS!"  
  
"The doomsday device is a device that will bring your doom. It is probably at E-Dawgs evil lair."  
  
"Oh, I know where that is! I saw a picture of his house in Gardening Monthly when he wrote a guest article on his awarding-winning flowers. He may be evil, but he has the most beautiful petunias I've ever seen."  
  
"Lead the way."  
  
_a/n: Another chapter updated! ((Huggles Bill Nye Plushie until all the stuffing comes out)) R&R please ((puppy eyes))_


	5. NERVES OF STEEL!

**BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY**

_Part 5_

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_A/n: Updated. But you expected that, didn't you?_

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Bill grabbed Charlotte and she turned on her jet pack. He pointed south and they flew down the street until they saw a skyscraper with EVIL HIDEOUT in neon lights at the top.  
  
"That's convenient," noted Bill.  
  
"It's too easy," said Charlotte. "It might be a trap."  
  
"What in the world would give you that idea?"  
  
"Does thinking make your head hurt? I've got some Tylenol in my backpack slash jetpack."  
  
"No, I like to think, but it does occasionally make my foot fall asleep. I'm not like everyone else on TV."  
  
"True, I've worked with TV stars before and they usually get indigestion."  
  
They gently landed down and went up to the automatically opening door, but it did not automatically open, no matter how hard they stepped on the black mat.  
  
"Open up!" shouted Bill.  
  
"Well, since you asked so nicely," said the door sarcastically. Of course, it was possible someone behind the door said it. We'll just say that the door was talking. A little slot opened and a pair of blood-shot eyes looked out.  
  
"Password?" the door asked in a Brooklyn accent.  
  
"Um . . ." Bill sighed. "Flamenco?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Usted es una persona lista y chistosa y amable."  
  
"God, no."  
  
"8372096hw3d3959?"  
  
"Yes-wait, no, that was last week's password."  
  
"For god's sake, open the door!"  
  
The door sighed and opened. "You change one bad password into another bad password."  
  
Bill went in, but Charlotte stayed behind. The backpack part of the backpack slash jetpack (BSJ) fell in love with the jetpack part of the BSJ, and because some people don't approve of slash relationships they had moved to San Francisco. Unfortunately, they hadn't told Charlotte, and she was trying to find her BSJ. The door snapped shut behind Bill, leaving Charlotte outside.  
  
Bill looked around, but he was in a corridor with a lot of doors on either side. An intercom on the wall was crackling loudly.  
  
"DEAR BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!" shouted someone over the intercom in the same voice as the door. "We have taken Charlotte hostage, and won't give her back until you stop trying to save the world and give us a hundred billion shmillion gazillion…yen! Don't try to figure out who did it or to report us to the authorities! Love, E-Dawg. "  
  
"Shit."  
  
Bill went back to the office, feeling very depressed and having a pins and needles feeling in his foot.  
  
"I know what to do!" he cried suddenly. "I'll drown my worries in alcohol! That's always healthy."  
  
"No, Bill! Bad boy!" I groaned and appeared, swatting his hand away from the mini fridge handle. "You're going to save Charlotte."  
  
"But how can? You didn't give me any cool gadgets, you bitch!"  
  
A barrage of cool gadgets fell on Bill's head. He moaned in pain, but was only bruised.  
  
"That'll teach you," I growled, and disappeared again.  
  
"Sheep fucker!" he shouted.  
  
"Sheep!" I called back from the heavens. There was an uncomfortable silence. " . . .ON WITH THE FAN FICTION! Here, I'll send Chief to help you."  
  
Chief fell out of the sky and landed on his rump. He was in his late 50s, with gray eyes and hair, and was wearing a white lab coat. "Owww . . .oh, hello Bill. Your mission, should you choose to accept it-"  
  
"I've already accepted my mission, Chief," explained Bill.  
  
"No, your mission is to get me a band aid."  
  
Bill got up and brushed himself off, grunting. "Author of mine who I love so dearly and do not want to damn and who does not fuck sheep? Can I have some band aids, preferably not raining down from the sky?"  
  
"Oh, fine. You know I can't resist you, Bill."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No." The chapter ended to the sound of a man being crushed under a barrage of band-aids. 


	6. I'm a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Tween?

**BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY CHAPTER 6 **_Updated 10-23-04_

The band-aids disappeared after the author decided they were no longer funny, so Bill and Chief finally got to explore the evil lair. Unfortunately they wasted several hours walking on a treadmill, vainly trying to get ahead.  
  
"We've wasted too much time," complained Bill. "We need to find E-Dawg fast. But how?"  
  
"I know!" exclaimed Chief. "We shall lure him in with singing. His name ends in 'dawg' so he's probably very hip. We must use a popular song."  
  
"Oh Chief, you know I don't know what them young 'uns listen to any more than you do."  
  
"Hey, just because I'm an old British dude doesn't mean I can't be hip to the lingo. After all, I am a 'dude'. We'll sing a Britney Spears song."  
  
_Five Minutes Later . . ._  
  
"I'M NOT A GIRL…NOT YET A WOMAN…" Bill and Chief sang. That was the only lyric they knew, and they had been saying it over and over for the past five minutes.  
  
"KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!" someone screamed. A white Siamese cat stalked along the floor, glaring at the duo.  
  
"No, the cat is not speaking." Bill and Chief both gave sighs of relief. "You don't have to worry if this is the sign of the apocalypse. I've spoken to Satan, and he agreed to hold it off until I kill you guys."  
  
"Really?" asked Bill.  
  
"Yeah! Don't you watch CNN?"  
  
"No." Bill started to sing again.  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It's annoying."  
  
"Ah-ha!" exclaimed Chief. "I knew no one would be able to stand Britney Spears! Except for, you know, the couple-million who bought her album."  
  
"Are you kidding? I love Britney Spears! I find it to be, like, _so _totally rude of you to make fun of her. That's what Best Week Ever is for, you…you…hurtful person, you!"  
  
"Hurtful _people_," corrected Bill sullenly. "It was my idea. Chief just stole it. Anyway, we've still got you just where we want you!"  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes we do."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes we do."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Do."  
  
"DON'T!"  
  
"DO!"  
  
"DON-"  
  
"You two, settle down or I swear to Author that I will turn this fan fiction around and you will all go to bed without learning what the excretory system does!" yelled Chief. They were both fearfully quiet.  
  
"Good," said Chief, and smiled. "Now...work this out like mature, responsible adults."  
  
"Ok..."said the voice.  
  
"Good."  
  
"What does responsible mean?"  
  
"Gah!"  
  
There was a sigh coming from somewhere. "Let's just get on with the fanfic, shall we? My cat shall lead you to where I am, so I can kill you."  
  
Bill and Chief dutifully followed the cat until they came to an ornate wooden door. It magically (oooooh! Magic!) swung open. (OK, so it wasn't magic, they stepped on a black mat like at the supermarket, but still, isn't that cool?)  
  
Inside sat E-Dawg, a sinister sight to behold indeed. He was as large and strong as a mighty oak, and lumbered towards them ominously. Chief and Bill cowered in fear, but he only stopped to pick up the cat.  
  
"Whose a good boy? Whose a good boy?" he cooed. "Whose my smart wittle kitty cat? You are! You are! You're such a cutey little genius-wenius, Joey-poo! You lead victims to there doom so well!" He squeezed the Siamese cat, who yowled weakly at looked at the heroes with pleading eyes.  
  
"Martha! How many times do I have to tell you to not sit in my thrown?" yelled a booming voice.  
  
"Sorry Daddy!" squeaked Martha and ran off, dropping a grateful Joey on the way down. The REAL E-Dawg picked up Joey and sat on his thrown. It was-

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**A/N: WE'RE SORRY; THIS FAN FICTION IS DISPLAYING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE FIX THEM BY STARING AT THE NEXT CHAPTER LONGINGLY. TO PASS YOUR TIME, PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.**


	7. Dubbing and Dawging

_(Chapter updated 10-31-04.)_

__

_

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_

. . . Robert!

"Robert?" shouted Bill. "That little revolution kid? Weren't you arrested?"

"I escaped," explained Robert calmly. "And please, call me E-Dawg." Of course, the time I _did_ spend in jail changed me quite a lot. The horrors there have turned me into an evil psychopath bent on world destruction." Indeed, it was clear from his hideous new features that E-Dawg was evil incarnate. He had a goatee now, and spoke in a British accent.

"And now I'm going to kill Charlotte!" he shouted. He took out a remote control and pressed a sinister looking button. It was bright pink with purple polka dots. Out of the ground rose a table of food, and a few feet away a giant dome rose up. In it was Charlotte. Two laser shooters were pointed to her head.

"Please, please, help me," she yawned, rather bored. Please, like the author would really kill her off. She was the closest thing to a Spunky Feminist Trying To Prove She Can Do Anything A Man Can this story had, and was yet to have a shower scene.

"Which will you choose, Mr. Nye? You're beloved girlfriend, or dinner?" E-Dawg laughed evilly.

"Wow, great laugh," complimented Chief.

"Thanks. My mom made me take lessons after I killed the piano teacher." He gave a little cough and continued laughing. "So, Nye, what will you choose?"

"Dinner, of course." Everyone stared at him.

"What? You guys would have done the same! Let's eat." They realized that he had a point, and sat down. A minion of E-Dawg even brought Charlotte some food. ((Authors Note: there is no need to describe the minion because he is a minion and minions are unimportant objects without rights, much like children.))

"Besides," said Bill hurriedly, realizing the innocent children reading this would die of lack of censorship if the hero was not so heroic, "did you really expect me to believe that you would give over Charlotte just because I chose her over dinner? I'll save her after I've finished my pot stickers."

Elevator music played. Chief and Joey exchanged recipes involving tuna, Bill and Robert chatted, and Charlotte tried to think of ways to have a shower scene with no water or nudity.

"So, Robert, nice pad you've got here. Where'd you get the money for an evil lair?" asked Bill.

"I had a bake sale to fund my plans for world domination, but I'm borrowing the lair from Alicia," explained E-Dawg. "After the revolution she went through puberty and couldn't be on your show anymore, so she started rapping instead. You may know her as Melts In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand."

All in all, there was a rather relaxed atmosphere during dinner, aside from Bill shoving food into his face like a pig at the beginning. Luckily he remembered his manners in time and shoveled food into his face with a pinky extended.

Robert finished that completely random dinner scene and took out his remote again.

"Moo-hahaha!" he laughed like a Mad Cow. He pushed a button on his remote that had the Japanese character for air, serenity, and pizza on it and a Samurai came rushing in.

"I shall kill you!" shouted the samurai in a high-pitched woman's voice. He was very poorly dubbed, with his lips moving long after he was finished speaking. "Hi-yah!" he screeched and got into a karate pose for no other reason than that it looked cool. Bill magically learned kung fu and did the same.

Bill said, in a nasally teenager voice, "Long ago in the land of my father, I was trained in science, the art of making of cheaply dubbed kung fu movies, and the fighting techniques of the samurai. It was a very special samurai code, one made up by a mystical and wise author who knows nothing of Japanese history and keeps on mixing up sword fighting with aikido and karate." His lips stopped moving but the voice went on.

"One day, we were riding across a field when he saw an ant. The ant was green. My father said, "Do not kill the ant!" though I was prepared to do it for I hated ants. "For killing is wrong, and the ant owes me money!" But I paid him no heed and killed the ant anyway, as I shall kill you! For as a wise and mystical basketball playing chicken I once had an affair with said, 'POTS AND POTATOES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!'..."

Bill went on for some hours. He was getting quite bored but the voice went on and on.

" . . . and that's how you make a porno, boys and girls! Now, the words respect means a lot to me. Actually, it does not, but-"

"Shut up already!" shouted the Samurai in a perfectly normal Japanese accent. "This joke is getting old. Let the fight begin!"

And fight they did...

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_A/n: Tune into the next exhilarating chapter...sort of...of Bill Nye the Science Guy!_


	8. National Burned Book Week

_(Updated 10-31-04.)_

**Bill Nye the Science Guy** --- Chapter 8

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Bill started doing his praying mantis karate. "Oooooy-aaaaa-ya!" he screeched, moving his arms around scarily.

"Oh no!" shouted the samurai. "I'm doomed!"

Bill stopped in his tracks. "Seriously? That's it?" he asked. "You're doomed?"

"Not really, but it's my coffee break."

"You get a coffee break?"

"Well, technically, I just go and think of creative ways to make fun of people. But all the people I make fun of drink coffee."

"Oh, alright, go on." The samurai bowed and skipped off, whistling.

Bill decided to try and hurt E-Dawg instead but doing the praying mantis karate. He proceeded to do this for quite awhile, finally exclaiming, "Ha! I've got you now!"

"No, Bill, you don't," sighed Robert, "How many times do I have to explain it to you? You don't defeat your opponent until there's enough violence to make the fic rated R."

"Oh my god!" gasped Bill, "You've got an invincible shield!"

"Yes, that's it. BLA! I WIN!"

Bill screamed and ran out of the building. He ran through a theatre in the shape of a piece of film, while a person accepted an Oscar. Somebody through a bunch of tomatoes at her, which she all caught and started gushing, "What a lovely fruit-basket! Or is it a vegetable? Oh, well, doesn't matter. You don't mind me, you really don't mind me!"

Bill ran out of the theatre and into Barnes and Nobles instead, screaming like a little girl. The people in the shop didn't notice him, instead, oddly enough, reading. He ran around in circles, waving his arms and yelling at the top of his lungs. And then his lungs exploded and he still screamed, but nobody noticed.

"God, won't anybody listen to me?" Bill asked irritably. The people continued reading, and he decided to sit on one of the armchairs for a minute. Bill picked a random book off the shelf, figuring it would be a short read. The title was War and Peace, and Bill thought that it must have had HUGE letters to fill that many pages. He dug in and started to read.

Read...read...read...dimly, he heard scream and shouts going on, but he ignored them. Must...read...book...oh no! He was becoming hypnotized! Must...stop...reading...think stupid thought...TV...donuts...Bill Nye the Science Guy-Behind the Scenes!

Yes! The last one was so idiotic he never wanted to read again. He sprang up to get out of there, but suddenly it became very warm. He wondered what was happening, when the intercom blared a voice that was smooth and sounded oddly familiar.

"Attention Barnes and Nobles customers, it is now 5:36 which means a fire will be raging in 5 minutes. Please make your purchases at the cashier by then."

The book-readers instantly sprang up and moved like zombies toward the cashier. Bill got into line, and waited. Finally, he managed to get out the door, while Barnes and Nobles went up in flames.

"Always happens!" complained one customer. "We should have gotten here sooner. I really should be complaining to the manager, Mr. E-Dawg. I'm almost always at work when it's not a charred mess, it's ridiculous!"

"Quite right," Bill agreed, "E-Dawg can't even run his Evil Empire right. He let the hero escape! How in the world does he manage a bookstore? Now, Mr. F-Dawg, he's an evil emperor! Oh, look, there's E-Dawg right there is with a machine gun and a hostage. I'm going to go and give him a piece of my mind. Tooodeloo!"


	9. Dictator Slash God: OTP 2004

_(Updated 11-01-04.)_

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**Bill Nye The Science Guy**_ Chapter 9_

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Bill ran over to the guy with the machine-gun-and-hostage-toting figure. It wasn't E-Dawg after all, it was a minion and Charlotte! Well, actually, it wasn't a minion because you actually had to describe this one. It was Arnold Shwarzenneger.

"Oh no! It's Arnold Shrawzineeger . . . Shoowarzooginer . . . Sharzaneyger . . . damn it, I can't spell that, let alone pronounce it!"

"It's pronounced Shwartz-in-rod-ree-gez," said Arnold. Charlotte said nothing because she was trapped in a cage Arnold had the tied to himself. He was lifting it up and down like a dumbbell. "Very easy to pronounce, if you ask me. But even I can't spell it without hyphens."

"Oh, I'm sure I could if you tried," said Bill. "We need a moral right now. How about making it 'believe in yourself'? Go and get a spelling dictionary. You can do it if you believe in the heart of the cards, Arnold! Believe!"

Everyone cheered.

"I will be back in 3 minutes and 43 seconds!" shouted Arnold and ran off, dropping the cage. It crashed into the ground and Charlotte spilled out. Bill helped her get to her feet.

"Bill, I have found out terrible things! I was drawn to the sound of Arnold's monotone voice, and he trapped me in this cage. He's not a minion of E-Dawg, E-Dawg is a minion of him!"

"What?" shouted Bill, dropping Charlotte. "How in the world did he get so much power?"

"The Californians elected him as governor a while ago. Aliens were attacking, and they figured that since he was an action star, he could protect them from the invaders. What, don't you watch CNN?"

"Hey, I'm pretty busy. Working on the show is . . . hard work. Like, just last week we were doing the nuclear weapons episode and the kids got radioactive waste all over my brand new carpet, and I had to clean for-"

"Shut up, Bill," growled Charlotte. She got up and brushed herself off. "Anyway, shortly after Arnold became governor, he passed a bill saying he was the ultimate dictator slash god of California. Since we live in Ambiguous Fan-fic World, he just assumed E-Dawg was Californian and said he had this henchman, B-Playg, who would attack him if he didn't do this evil plot of his."

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"Newbia told me, she's the author of mine who I love so dearly and do not want to damn and who does not fuck sheep and who knows everything, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Then why can't she stop Arnold?"

"An new episode of _Lost_ is on! She's got a lot more on her mind than silly evil overlords, like polar bears!"

At that point, 3 minutes and 43 seconds had passed, and Arnold came back.

"Couldn't find it," he sighed. " I suppose we'll never know..." Creepy Twilight Zone theme song music played. "Anyway, I declare that you live in California, not Ambiguous Fan Fic world, so I control you and-"

"Wait, sir," came a heroic voice from somewhere. Chief appeared in a puff of air spelling of pine sol, riding his trusty steed, Deus Ex Machina. "I know you probably expected no one to know what ambiguous meant, being an entire three syllables long, but I do! It means someone from Wisconsin. They are not under your control."

"That's not what ambiguous means!" sputtered Arnold.

"How would you know? English isn't your native language."

"Actually, it is," explained Arnold. "I'm Australian, not Austrian. That was just a typo."

"Well, maybe ambiguous is American slang for Wisconsin. Go get a dictionary. You will be back in 48 hours, 12 seconds."

"Can I have 49 hours? It takes a while for me to find stuff."

"Alright, if you insist."

"Ok," said Chief, "That gives us plenty of time to make a get away!" They all jumped on Chief's steed and ran away into the sunset.

"Yeah, but not now, I'm getting sunburned, " whined Charlotte, "Let's play cards instead!" They stopped riding and went into a nearby casino.

"Hearts?" suggested Bill.

"No, BS," said Charlotte.

"But I want Hearts!"

"BS!"

"HEARTS!"

"BS!"

"Poker!" shouted Chief.

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_Authors Notes: Will they play Hearts, BS, or Poker? Who will win at said game? Will Jemima ever marry Greg? Oh yeah, and that whole evil plot of Arnold. Tune in next time for As The World Doesn't Move In Any Extraordinary Way. _


	10. The Quest For People To Make Fun Of

_(Updated 2-5-05)_

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After a long and seemingly endless battle, in which everyone mourned over how much war sucked, they finally decided on poker. Magically, a poker table complete with chips, visors, and cards appeared. There were a few dogs already playing, but plenty of chairs to spare. 

"Two's are wild!" Bill was quick to announce.

"No, jokers are!" Chief corrected. They argued for a long time, with the Great Danes and the Chihuahuas nearly causing a riot. Finally, Newbia appeared out of no-where and shouted, "STOP FIGHTING! WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE FUNNY PART!" and left. Chief and Bill smiled at each other, glad to get another visit from the Supreme Goddess, and then Bill started pouting.

"So, something funny? I can't think of anything."

"Me neither." Bill and Chief sat in silence while Charlotte coughed. Then she coughed again, and again, and again, steadily louder until she was hacking her lungs out (she put them back in, though, because they were winter and she was an autumn, whatever that meant) and then Bill and Chief looked at her. (The dogs went on playing poker.)

"Something wrong, Charlotte?" asked Bill. Charlotte glared and nodded.

"I was trying to get your attention, I have an idea." Charlotte told them the idea and they agreed a romance would spice things up a bit, though Chief refused to make it him and Bill being the couple. He already had a boyfriend. So it was Bill and Charlotte.

Everything went off stage like a play and the curtain rolled out, revealing a romantic dinner scene. Bill and Charlotte changed into formal dinner wear (don't ask why, anything was possible in Ambiguous Fan-fic land) and romantic music started to play while Bill started to serenade Charlotte.

"Rubber ducky," Bill sang in an amazing, awe-inspiring deep voice that wasn't like his at all, "You're the one. You make bath time, so much fun! Rubber ducky, joy of joys, when I squeeze you, _you make noise_!" His voice started to crescendo and the dogs became quite scared. "Rubber ducky! OH IT'S TRUE! Bloop, bloopidity, BLOO—**OOO**—"

He held that note until a weary Labrador started to howl and then finally let go, coughing violently and barely breathing.

Charlotte sniffed. "Oh Bill, this is the most romantic night of my life!"

"Charlotte," Bill huffed, "Will—_huff_—you—_huff_—marry—"

"HEY!" somebody shouted. Ernie from Sesame Street rushed out, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Why, if this wasn't a children's show, I'd kick your ass! The rubber ducky song belongs to me! If I catch you copy-right infringing again, I'll go TV-14 LV on your punk ass!" He squeezed his rubber ducky angrily. "Now, good-bye! This angry rant was brought to you by the number 8 and the letter Q!" He then ran off, leaving Bill and Charlotte in shock. (The dogs, again, just went back to playing poker.)

"Shouldn't we make fun of Sesame Street now?" Charlotte asked after a while. Chief (who had been conducting the orchestra) jumped out of the shadows and gasped.

"NO! NOT SESAME STREET! IT'S HOLY! A KID'S SHOW!"

"So? Lots of people make fun of Barney, and that's a kid show," Bill said. Chief looked as though he were about to faint.

"You dare make fun of Barney? My god, next thing you know you'll make fun of the president, or say Michael Jackson looks like a girl!"

"Chief, we already did. Lighten up, dude, the next thing you'll say is that we're all 'insulting' and 'politically incorrect'. I mean, E-Dawg and Charlotte are black, and you're British, and we had the badly-dubbed Chinese movie, what more do you want?"

"We already made fun of Michael Jackson?" Charlotte asked. "Oh dear, we're running out of people to insult. I know, ourselves!"

"No, our reviewers do that."

"Damn!"

They thought for a bit and then a light-bulb appeared over Bill's head, but then a minion came over and flicked it off to save electricity (it was, after all, Ambigious Fan-fic world where E-Dawg was presumed to be Californian, and they had a crisis going on over there) and Bill forgot it. As the minion scurried off, some screaming fan-girls were heard in the distance. It was, in fact, one lone nerdy-looking person. He had glasses covering squinty-gray eyes, a nasal voice, pocket protectors; everything you would think a nerd would have. He also had a messy mop of brown hair on his head and was screaming again.

"OH MY GOODNESS! IT'S BILL NYE! YOU'RE MY HERO!" he shouted and then ran over to Bill, which took awhile because it is the law that all nerds have asthma. After gulping at his inhaler for a bit, he then breathed, "My names Albert T. Urd, Bill. Actually, it's not, but you can't have a fan-fic without some sort of embarrassing name. You're my hero, the hero to losers everywhere..." Albert looked at Bill with adoring eyes.

"No I'm not," Bill said, furrowing his brow, "Why would you say so?"

"Well, you're so smart. It's against the law to be cool and smart at the same time, isn't it?"

"No it's not!"

"Oh, good, because I'm smart and I hate having to pretend to be uncool!" With that, Albert ripped off his costume and mask to reveal Ashton Kutcher!

"Kelso?" Charlotte gasped."I love _That 70's Show_! Do something funny and stupid, Kelso!" She was referring to the show that Ashton worked on, but instead he took out a copy of Science Weekly.

"I'm not an idiot," Ashton said, "I only play one on TV. In real life I am quite the intellectual type. I see you are having a dilemma with finding someone to make fun of. I know the perfect person to get help from, Alfred E. Newman of MAD magazine."


	11. Ooh, Cake!

_(Updated 2-8-05)_

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"That's ridiculous...and yet strangely logical," said Bill. "Let's go!"

Within years they had walked over to the MAD magazine headquarters, a collection of tall skyscrapers that defied the laws of physics and good taste.

Chief walked up to closest building, knocking on the mahogany (not really, but it sounded so much fancier than vaguely red-looking metal) double-doors. A window in the center rolled up, with two beady eyes staring out.

A reedy voice growled out, "Passwoid?"

"Huh? You work at E-Dawg's lair!" said Chief angrily.

"Well, I was fired. I was too illogical."

"Why, you made careless mistakes all the time?"

"No, I pronounced 'password' as 'passwoid' and I pronounced everything else normally. And I'm only a pair of eyes that stare of a little hole in the door, and then when you open the door I disappear."

"Wow, you are a weirdo," mused Chief.

"Hey, you're the one who understands words like 'ambiguous' and 'mused.' Come on, who says mused?"

"You just said muse."

"Oh yeah. By, the way, muse is the passwoid. Come on in."

The doors opened and all they all walked in. There was a long hallway with doors along each side. There was a young bellhop with sandy brown hair and sandy brown eyes standing near the door in a red uniform, and he quickly walked over to the group.

"Good even', governors. Who would ya like ta see?"

" Albert E. Neuman, but we can get him ourselves," said Charlotte. She breathed deeply and yoga-ly, and started speaking in a calming monotone voice. "Paging Doctor Neuman, paging Doctor Neuman. Please report to the front door."

"One, it's King Alfred E. Newman… I think…and two, ya need a speaker ta page people," corrected the bellhop. "Besides, King Alfred is busy. In the meantime, I'll give ya a bit of a tour of the MAD buildings. Ma name is Dude."

So off they went, going to through doors and the occasional window. The first door Dude showed them was a drawing room, where artists drew the comics for MAD. Charlotte walked over to one of the artists and asked, "What are you drawing? Spy vs. Spy?"

"Actually," said the artist forlornly, "I'm drawing the contents of my tortured soul."

"Woah," said Charlotte. "Why are you doing that? Shouldn't you go to therapy or something?"

"I am. First I wanted a black and white cat for a pet...and I got a Malibu Barbie instead." The artist shuddered. "It wasn't even black and white, it was white and black."

"No! Oh, this is depressing, I'm leaving." Charlotte edged away from the artist and bumped into another person, a girl around 17 in a red spandex suit with pink shades covering her eyes and bleached blonde hair reaching to her waist.

"Who are you?" Charlotte asked.

"I'm a demon from hell sent to devour your souls. My name is Lulu. I was full though, so I'm just waiting until Friday."

"Oh, cool! Hey, Lulu, I got a friend name Bill—he has this show—and this British guy named Chief. We're going around being spies and defeating Arnold Hard-To-Spellanegger and this evil guy named E-dawg. Feel like helping?"

"Well, I don't think the Apocalypse is until February...why not?" Lulu shrugged and smiled a dazzling smile to white it seemed blinding. She and a rapidly blinking Charlotte walked back the rest of the gang. Chief and Dude were having a serious conversation, and Bill was busy dropping stuff on the ground to see what sound they made (as you can see, he was running out of experiments to put on his show).

"Kids today!" Chief was clucking. "If you have a noun for a name like Chief or Dude, they think your parents were drunk or something! I mean, personally, Dude is way more normal than Harry!"

"Well, Dude isn't actually ma name," replied Dude, "It's actually Man. But ma friend always say either, 'Hey Dude!' or 'What's up, Man?' So that part isn't really so insulting to me. But these days, kids can't even spell mitochondria, conscience, or anti-disestablishment-presbyterianism!" They both clucked cluckily until they say Charlotte.

"Oh look, it's the demon chick! Feeling too cold, Lu?"

"Not really, hell froze over a while ago. I'm not sure why."

"Well, in that case, let's go."

They all walked over to the second room, where reporters reported stuff for the MAD magazine writers to make fun of. There was a panel of judges bathed in shadow and a reporter stood on a high platform, listing the current events.

"On Monday, the Science Institute of Yugoslavia announced that shadow is a liq—ooh, cake!" The reporter dashed off to the staff party next door.

"Next!" said one of the judges, sounding suspiciously like Simon Cowell. It was Simon Cowell, and the rest of the American Idol judges, plus an old lady who had just wandered in there. "Kyle Smith, come here."

A twenty-something year old with a blonde mullet and a pierced lip came up.

"Dude," he began in a slow, fazed-out voice. "Not you," he said to Dude, "Just, like...dude. I mean, judges-dude! Oh my god you won't BELIEVE what I saw! There was, like, a bird. And, man, I'm not kidding, the bird, I was running towards it dude, and, like, it went up in the air and started flying away! I mean it! The bird, it, like, flew dude! Yeah man! It was totally awesome." He grinned.

"That's the worst piece of news I've ever heard. Birds always fly!" complimented Simon.

"That was wonderfully told, honey-sweety-pie-cheeks-poo, but birds do fly a lot," said Paula sweetly. "The fools," she thought to herself, "They have no idea that my plans will come to fruition by February, and idiots like him will clean my toe-nails..."

"Dawg," said Randy, "The bird flying was cool and all, but you got to say it differently. Not 'dude' and all sounding like your high, how about saying...hmm...oh, I dunno..."

"Dawg?" suggested Kyle.

"Yes! Dawg! That's brilliant! Now go away! Next! Chad Meinstein."

"I like cake," croaked the old lady. Every shouted in the room (even Ashton Kutcher. Bet you thought I just forgot about him, didn't you?) shouted, "Word!"

Another man walked up, with black hair and the largest green eyes Bill had ever seen.

"I saw the aliens! They came and messed up Britney Spears' hair!"

"Whacko," growled Simon.

"Woah, no way!" gasped Paula. Britney Spears was the key to her plan! With out her, how would she control the South?

"Dawg, you're crazy," said Randy.

"I like cake," croaked the old woman.

A muscled and bald bouncer-type guy came and lead Chad away while he screamed, "They did! The aliens did!"

"Next," growled Simon, "Sydney Meinstein, our gossip columnist."

A girl with a shock of curly red hair around her head and large green eyes like Chads' came up, chittering excitedly.

"Guess what, you won't believe this, J.lo and Ben Affleck are a couple! They might even make a movie together! And Justin and Britney broke up!"

"We know that already," sighed Simon, "Got anything new?"

"Oh...well...um..."Sydney paused. "Aliens attacked! They messed up Britney Spears' hair!"

"I like cake," croaked the old woman, and Sydney was carted away by the muscled bouncer man again.

"Anyone else?" asked Paula sweetly. She felt like killing a stranger.

"Hey," said Bill, walking up to the platform, "Did you know the this guy named E-Dawg has a Doomsday Device, Arnold Schwarzenegger has some sort of evil plot, and that there's cake right over there?"

"I like cake," croaked the old woman, but by then she was the only one left because the rest had shouted, "Ooh, cake!" and ran off to a staff party in the next room across the hall.

The room was a big auditorium, with balloons and streamers everywhere and more importantly, a HUGE chocolate cake taking up half of the table in the middle of the room. Everyone was chatting and elevator music was playing. Bill got a slice of cake and then saw Alfred E. Newman and walked over to him.

"Hey! King Alfred! I'm Bill Nye."

"Ah yes, the guy with the TV show. Don't worry—we already made a parody about you several years ago. You're name in MAD is now Shmill Guy, since we're supposed to make fun of everyone's names."

Shmill Guy shrugged. "I don't care. My friends and I have a problem. See, goddess Newbia wants a 'plot' and 'characterization' and she even wants me to be in character! A scientist! So, I think, we've got to convince her that craziness is funny. But, we have no-one to make fun of!"

"How about Jessica Simpson?" suggested Alfred.

"Too easy."

"Hey, wait a second, isn't saying 'too easy' making fun of Jessica Simpson?"

"I guess..."

"Well, if not making fun of her, then a cameo to spice things up."

"Oh no you don't!" growled a deep voice. A creature that looked like the Hulk only a bright shade of pink and with a blonde Mohawk (I do not make these things up, people, I just write down what happens!) had suddenly appeared.

"Ah! Copyright Monster™!" shouted Dude. "We own the cake! I swear!"

"Yeah, but you don't own Bill Nye, or Jessica Simpson, or Alfred E. Newman! You can't even spell his name right! You've never once worshipped the God of Copy right laws by groveling in your authors notes about you not owning any of this, you blasphemous fiend!"

"You mean," asked Charlotte, "that there are actually people who are stupid enough to think Goddess Newbia© owns Bill Nye? Or that Bill Nye bothers to carefully scan the Internet to see if anyone is using him without copyright?"

"No, but that doesn't matter, I'm bored and I want some violence! Bow before my mighty might!"

Nervously they all started bowing, and the Copyright Monster (his name was TM) laughed and then said, "Wait, but I have some good news!"

"You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Gieco?" asked Chief. Every blinked and stared.

"No...but I can hear you now!"

"Good."

"Anyway, the good news is, Newbia has decided that the 'appearing and telling everyone what to do' cameo joke is old, and she knows you'll be upset by not being able to see her anymore." TM listened to the cricket silence. "But anyway, to make up for it, she's decided to put a disclaimer next chapter, and now I must leave. Good bye." With that, TM disappeared in a burst of ®s, ©s, and ™s.


	12. Hot People vs Board of Animation

//Authors Notes: I do not own Bill Nye. Wow! Amazing! I also do not own 'smutluv' (see below) that belongs to the awesomely brilliant Dave Mienstien of the TV show Portal.//  
  
Now that TM was gone and it turned out Newbia was no longer making cameos, Bill decided he wouldn't listen to her (or so he thought, for I controlled his thinking...muahahaha) and he would continue with the craziness. He went over to Lulu (everyone else was too busy eating cake to talk to him) and told his plans to disobey Newbia.  
  
"Well, that's nice, Mr.Nye, but you can't do that,"said Lulu.  
  
"Why not?" asked Bill angrily.  
  
"Because, don't you remember? I'm a demon from hell, and I've decided not to wait until Friday to eat your soul."  
  
"Crap." With that, an inter-dimensional portal appeared ripping apart the space time continium and killing thousands. Lulu giggled and shoved Bill into the hole, transporting him to a normal-looking bedroom with beds, a chair, a computer, a television, and a few posters on the wall saying things like,"Go to hell, fuckers!" "Satan wants YOU to give up your soul!" and "Stay in school!"   
  
"How did that get there?" Lulu said angrily, and waved her hand. The poster dissapeared.   
  
"Cool."  
  
"You should see what I do with TV shows I don't like. Oh yes, back to the matter at hand." Lulu morphed into a hideous red demon with yellowing huge sharp teeth dripping blood, red glowing eyes, and a really bad haircut.   
  
"I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!! But first, we must go to a commercial break. While you watch this TV I will enjoy a crisp, refreshing Coke." Lulu made a coke appear out of thin air and took a gulp, and then gave a refreshed, "Ahhh. But actually, I need to get to a fundraiser. We're selling souls. The proceeds go to charity-S.M.U.T.L.U.V, Strong Men Unafraid To Love Unicorns Visibly. You get a free can of salsa when you join!" Lulu morphed back into her blonde pretty self and handed Bill the remote. "Keep yourself busy." She left in a burst of pretty flowers, then a voice said 'oops' and the flowers turned into a towering inferno of flames.  
  
"Hmmm, maybe I should take this time to escape. Naw, my favorite soap opera is on!" Bill turned on the television, but as it turned out in hell the commercials lasted several hours (and they were not the funny kind either, they were either stupid or totally obvious-duh crisp, refreshing coke is better then pepsi! Ahhhh, that tastes good!) so Bill decided to channel surf. He switched channels for a few minutes (5000 channels and NOTHING IS ON!) and finally paused on the show Stranded.  
  
"Welcome,"said the host, smiling brilliantly. "To another episode of the reality hit TV show, Stranded! I'm your host, Ted Wagner. Stranded is not stolen from Survivor." He frowned suddenly. "I don't care what you say, Ben, we did NOT steal your show like you stole my wife. Oh yeah, don't think I don't know!" He started yelling almost incomprehensibly. "'CAUSE I KNOW! I can see you there, Sarah, you traitorous bitch! I CAN SEE YOU! I CAN SEE ALL!" A big bouncer-type man came and carried him away, clapping a hand over his mouth just as Ted started to foam at said mouth.   
  
"Happens every week," groaned a voice, probably the cameraman. A new host came on, again smiling brilliantly.  
  
"Welcome, I'm your host Ben. Our old host got into a minor accident. It's just one of the surprises waiting for you on Stranded! Wooooooo!" He wiggled his fingers like a ghost. Bill changed the channel to a talk show. A middle-aged British man and a 30-something year old woman with too much make-up on were arguing.  
  
"I personally think animation will not be good for the future of movies,"said the man.  
  
"Why not?" replied the woman. The studio audiance gasped at her clever counter.  
  
"Because, if animation replaces actual actors, hot people will not be able to coast by life on there good looks by being in movies!"  
  
"NO!" shouted the audiance, horrified, and Bill yawned and changed the channel.   
  
"BILL! I'LL SAVE YOU!" shouted a voice. It was Chief, followed closely by Charlotte saying,"Yeah!" They both walked into the room.  
  
"How did you get here?"  
  
"We followed through the wormhole, only we ended up in a different room,"said Charlotte.  
  
"Well, save me later. Days Of Our Lives is on."  
  
"Oh, I love that show!" shouted Chief. Charlotte sighed and decided to watch too as the commercials finally ended.   
  
"Damn fundraiser," growled a voice. "These days you ask someone to sign a deal with the devil that get all suspicious and think I want to send them to hell. Oh, you're still here?" It was Lulu. She morphed into the scary demon self. "I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR SOULS!!! Wait a second, is that Days Of Our Lives? I love that show!" She sat down on the bed and all four of them watched intently. Both Bill and Lulu started crying (an odd sight, as Lulu was still in scary demon form) and moaning things like,"Oh John, why won't you tell Laura your feelings?"  
  
"I like Gilmore Girls better,"said Charlotte sourly.  
  
~*~  
  
Days of Our Lives ended, and after they had all stopped crying Bill said,"Uh...aren't you supposed to devour our souls?"  
  
"Oh! Thanks for reminding me!" gasped Lulu cheerfully. She lunged at Charlotte, preparing to kill her slowly and painfully before eating her soul, but Charlotte lunged out of the way and ran out of the room. Bill and the gang soon followed her outside into hell.  
  
Now, you'll probably expect me to make a joke about hell here. Making fun of something by saying 'hell is a Britney Spears concert' or 'hell is school' or some other crowd favorite. You might even expect me to say that it's multiple showings of Bill Nye The Science Guy! Well, for one thing I don't agree with that and for another it's just too easy. I SHALL FIGHT TEMPATION! So hah! *sticks out tongue*  
  
(*cough* math class *cough*)  
  
It's just eternal flames, you can't make me make fun of anything! Anyway, back to the story, Satan employed several demons like Lulu to devour people's souls, buy souls, water the plants, et cetera. So there were several inter-dimensional portals like Lulu used to transport people to hell that opened and closed every once in a while. Now, hell isn't that big, so to make room some portals could go back in time. Instead of going to hell, they went to something close-a time before the internet and/or cable was invented.   
  
Lulu was gaining on Charlotte and the gang, but not quickly because in her scary bad haircut demon form she was slow and lumbering, so they just enough time to jump into the next time portal that opened. POOF! They were transported to when Bill was in middle school.  
  
There was a classroom and students were being handed back tests. The teacher, an old woman, handed a paper to a boy who looked like a 13-year-old version of Bill and appeared to start sobbing. Chief craned his neck and could see why. Despite the big F on the paper, Young-Bill said,"Wow, one right, better than last time!"  
  
"You got two right, Bill, and before you got three,"sighed the teacher. "The problem is, you can't count. And considering that's out a hundred..."  
  
"Woo-hoo! 50%!"  
  
Chief could see the paper in Bill's hands:  
  
1)Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Susan B. Anthony  
  
2)Whose face is on the Susan B. Anthony coin? (the question was left blank, though on the back where Bill showed his work he showed several complicated division problems when trying to figure it out)  
  
3)Name a capital city outside of the US and what it is the capital of. Honolulu, Hawaii, Canada. (Did he replace Ontario with Hawaii or something?)  
  
4)True of False: It was Colonel Mustard, in the Dining Room, with a candlestick. True (it was actually in the library)  
  
5)Spell 'evanescence.' (there was nothing there but a bunch of crossed out words like 'dogo' 'eeveekes' or 'eveensanse')  
  
"How in the world did you get the idea that Hawaii is in Canada? You're a scientist! You should be smart!" growled Chief incredulously.  
  
"Well, I'm only good in science. I'm not so good in Math."  
  
"Bill, that was a geography question," said Charlotte, rolling her eyes. She had gone to school with Bill.  
  
"I told you I wasn't good!" 


End file.
